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David Dennison's avatar

I love that we live in a world in which “men aren’t trash” is considered a radical viewpoint lol. Carnage.

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David Sasaki's avatar

Anuradha, I enjoyed reading this piece. It left me with much to mull over, so I wasn't ready to comment immediately after reading. I agree with Jen below about your courage to write so transparently about yourself, your relationship with men and women, and how you've evolved along with the culture around you.

I relate to much of what you write. I worked on the Gender Equity & Governance team at a large, California-based private foundation. The team was made up of mostly feminist activists who share many of the traits you describe above. Ironically, they would come to me regularly to vent about how they were bullied and subjected to purity tests in feminist spaces. (And, generally, they were into astrology and fortune-telling — the kind of lack of agency/control you describe well.) Their default was indeed to point to systemic oppression (capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy) to explain every perceived injustice, inequity, and obstacle to well-being. Any mention of agency, personal growth, or meritocracy was maligned as capitalist/patriarchal/white supremacist. And yet, as you'd surmise, they generally went to the most expensive liberal arts and Ivy League universities.

Reading your piece was cathartic, and that you're a woman probably helped me absorb the arguments without the male progressive's knee-jerk shame when reading critiques of feminism. At the same time, I'd like to push back against some of your claims in the spirit of good old-fashioned Substack dialectics. You write that:

"Liberal elites can only get to an elite rung of society through discipline, hard work, and delaying gratification, which denotes an internal locus of control."

I agree, and being raised by Tiger Parents is perhaps the ultimate privilege. (At least for accumulating status and retirement savings, though perhaps not for happiness and life-enjoyment!) But isn't it also true that liberal elites often get to the elite rung of society through legacy admissions, SAT tutors, implicit knowledge of social protocol, not having to work in high school, and hundreds of other little advantages that my former colleagues perhaps would have dubbed "systemic oppression?"

You describe eloquently the way you coped with the anxiety from your perfectionism by blaming men as untrustworthy, uncaring, and oppressive. I am glad that you know longer feel this way and that you've found a partner who supports your emotional well-being and your intellect. I also sense that you're realization that men are not trash has allowed you to explore parts of yourself that you describe as more masculine, parts that perhaps weren't valued when you identified as a feminist.

I wonder, though, how are you guarding against a reactionary turn? It seems that you're tapping into some anger and discomfort against women that you had suppressed. Do you feel that there's a risk that the pendulum might swing too far, that you might preclude yourself from healthy friendships with someone and even parts of your own femininity by turning away from the less-healthy aspects of your feminist past?

I ask you these questions because I ask them of myself as well. I find myself drawn to smart, disaffected liberals who want to reclaim an internal locus of control, but I'm weary of blaming wokeness for all of society's ills in the same way I'm skeptical of blaming systemic oppression for our personal problems. I'm worried that in turning so sharply toward individual agency, we'll lose sight of the importance of addressing real injustices passed down across generations through class, caste, race, gender, sexuality, attractiveness, and more.

These days, I am asking myself: How can men and women best understand and accept one another? How can we best support each other, including when we want to explore our masculine and feminine energies? How can we develop an internal locus of control that rejects knee-jerk victimization while recognizing and address true injustices, new and old?

I have a feeling you'll enjoy Emma Green's newest piece about the Classical Education movement as a response to the rise of woke ideology in education. Again, I find myself thinking, as does Emma, don't we want the best of both?

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/03/18/have-the-liberal-arts-gone-conservative

I feel sheepish about leaving such a long comment. I hope you take it as a compliment for giving me so much to think about. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

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