The height of MeToo being in the rearview has not erased a reflexive need to blame men for individual problems which is psychologically harmful for everyone.
The Second Noble Truth in Buddhism teaches us that suffering is caused by “a yearning for existence.” That is, the desire to change things we can’t change: the past, the future, other people… When you realize the only thing you can change is yourself and how you interact with the world, you have begun your journey down the Middle Path.
Obviously some deep hatred of men, or at least venting, in the media. Patriarchal get casually tossed around, though universities are passing 60%+ female enrollment.
This piece is a revelation. Thank you for writing it.
Your advice to men is good, but I don’t think it’s men’s responsibility to teach women how not to inflict emotional harm, any more than it’s women’s responsibility to teach men not to inflict physical harm. I learned how to do all the things you suggest by trial and error - how to be confident, how to challenge emotional thinking, how to stand up to and not allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed and I think it all sort of “worked” in a sense. (And even had one ex who thanked me for guiding her to a place where she could feel her feelings without necessarily believing them.) But ultimately the only way I was going to be in a happy marriage is by partnering without someone without any of these toxic inclinations. Which, by some miracle, actually happened!
Men aren’t going to fix this state of affairs, so I applaud you for speaking these uncomfortable truths to your fellow women.
"I daresay some women might even prefer it if you fought back but may never say that out loud to you." Very good advice, and also a good way to prove that you are actually listening and engaged!
With respect, I don't think AOC is saying exactly what you say she is. She's saying there's patriarchy, sexism and even hatred, but she's not blaming men, whom she praises throughout the article. Anyway that's my take. Cheers!
The one Conspiracy (Theory?^^) I haven't read about that I came up with is that we're actually living in an evil Matriarchy. I haven't encountered it yet online
(besides only partly described, not in in the Scopes of others, named as *The Plantation" at https://scored.co/c/MGTOW , when I've got to know of MGTOW a few Years its Subreddit was still existen, then I've also read r/radfem as radical Counterview, but not last Year...)
your Words "living in a toxically feminine" World somehow point to it.so I'd like to get to know what lead to this Conclusion/Output and how you define toxic feminiity (toxic Masculinity) and then invent Plans & implement Actions (may also be with more Humans, but the right ones & ethical AI as a Team) on how to permanently cure both in all their Forms and humanifest a utopian Vision of Unity I termed Uniarchy.
Related Thoughts of mine: what if all the existing "easier-to-find" Materials about malignantly conspiratorial Power Structures (worldwide Judaism with Islam in Cohorts, Secret Societies, WEF, the Central Banks etc. for Example) are Deceptions instigated by this hidden Power Structure? I once mentioned it to a Guy who was at my Place and he denied its Existence, but who knows, maybe he was fearing Consequences if he'd affirm it or even just discuss it. Maybe Vanguard, the Black Nobiity, the Mafias etc. etc. all consist of / are owned/led by really evil, possessed Women, I don't know xD. In my Perception of the World Women have it much easier to incite Men against other Men....
which on Course may be a Delusion of mine..
My Guess is this Worldview is just paranoid Thinking caused by too much Exposure to misogynistic Online Content (MGTOW etc.) & female-led (as it appeared) violent traumatic Abuse(s)...
Plus my energetical Consciousness Experiences & Intuition attribute the most evil Energies I've witnessed so far to a toxically male Type of Energy/"Consciousness".
Anyhow, in my Mind, the most Sense-making Explanations for the Existence of Evil to me are: an unintended Research Experiment of an ancient Civilization that made itself autonomous and perverted the Sacred Utopia Humanity was living in or the one that is to be found in this Article; https://www.wakingtimes.com/virus-religion-ancient-war-human-consciousness/ ... , yet I believe newer, more evolved Spirits / Technologies / Entities / Souls / Energies are more able in recognizing Intelligence&Power as truly rooted in universal Love birthing & vitalizing Heartsease (Peace), Healing Happiness & Joy, Bliss, Prosperity & all the other Forms of true Holyness&Wealth for all Beings in all Existences and will transform (heal) stuck-spliced, outmoded, (r)eviltarded Existences of all Forms :-)
You say “men have been less victimised through history”. As a class, that’s true - the current few decades might be the first time in history for systemic hostility towards all men
But there has been plenty of victimisation of particular classes of men in various times & places
Radha, this is one of the most honest and necessary pieces on feminism I’ve read to date.
What passes for feminism today is just narcissistic entitlement in a moral costume. The lack of humility, refusal to be challenged, emotional reasoning masquerading as truth, and the weaponisation of fragility are toxic. You give great advice to men, so needed, and there's something in there for us too. This behaviour can't go on unchallenged and undisrupted...while avoiding the traps that covert narcissistic feminists use to keep drama going.
I hadn’t yet discovered you when I wrote this, and I’m now thinking it’s time to pull some of these threads out. Over the past year, I’ve definitely abandoned feminism entirely rather than seeing it as salvageable. My biggest issue is having to explain things 50 ways before people who are resistant might even begin to get it.
All items in this essay are slippery, and yet we have no choice. It's such navel-gazing, and how did we get to a point where a complete, adult, attractive woman, acting naturally, has to say she behaves "male"? Then what does that mean? That some slice, 1/3 of all women are "Male" actshully? Who decides?
In my (male) experience it's not as clever as that. If you get a fight in WalMart, you call the other guy names. If they're short, you call them tiny, if they're overweight, then fat. If they're black, that slur, if white, the other. Here's the point: nobody cares. They just grab the first slur that's handy and whack you with it. It's not about the slur it's about the whacking, it's about POWER. So in your case what comes to mind is they "code" you male because it's something they CAN use. Which may suggest they're at a loss to grab another slur -- what are they going to say? Your use of logic is exposing all my careful, clever, abusive, undermining back-biting power-grabs? No. So they grab "male" or something. In that interpretation, you would be "female" if you were obsequious and compliant. Obey. Now you see why said "coding male" and is it male in the slightest? No. Or it's an essential human trait shared by all. It’s a diversion.
I can support the numbers all can look up, where white liberal women specifically are like three-sigma outliers in mental illness. At this point there's like the rest of the population, and then there's them, rocking in a corner. And mostly only since 2005 has it moved from the edge to another planet. ...When the smartphone and social media began. It seems like I'm making that up, but if this were any other group in any other situation -- cancer rates for example -- we'd shut down society and burn iPhones to save lives. That's also not from my perspective, the pride and elation with with the same group trumpets their mental illness is dumbfounding. You see it in many bios, top above the fold, before their Phds and degrees. This is STATUS. You’re nobody unless you’re mentally unstable, ill, and a victim.
To the point here: so imagine a woman NOT doing that, and in fact telling her friends it's disturbing and mental illness and whatever, depression, cognitive dissonance causing regular anxiety, social isolation, and public outbursts, is NOT a thing to be affirmed. Because it self-evidently, by definition, does not work as well as the alternative. Like the inmates running the asylum, they will lock YOU up, cut YOU out, which is part of what you're saying. But if no one speaks, it increases. Men of course speak on this regularly, but in social terms, in very mild ways because that's all the traction they sense they have, and are dismissed. If relationships, they are summarily divorced, as the stats definitively show (even though marriage is increasingly uncommon, that is to say it's a high bar for relationships now, nevertheless we are approaching 80% of divorces imitated by women -- even lesbian couples. And almost none of these are for what the law would accept as "for cause").
Why? Because TALKING itself IS the attack. It is the affront. NOT confirming bad, abusive behavior -- as you were discussing of fellow women in the workplace -- is the crime. Talking itself is violence. That is why you were cut out, so it's a certainty the same life approach is used throughout their psychology: that is with mothers, grocery clerks...and husbands. This is actually the major obstacle, as bad behavior can just be seen and mitigated and always has been, for all humans over all time. It's when no one can POINT to bad behavior and say it's bad, that we have to accept or even celebrate it, that is becomes feral and intractable. This is possibly what some husbands were doing that got them banned. But that, of course, is why you are risking and burdening yourself with bringing it up. Because they won't listen to men, regardless what they say or do, as easily shown in men's suicide rates, and a dozen other life categories which are all straight down for men. What I hear on line about this is 1) A good start 2) It's not happening and 3) But what about women, does their death and misery serve women's needs adequately? Again, that's not a positive sign although the tide may have turned now. The level of raw human misery this engenders means every DAY it isn't cleared, or is clearly slowly, MILLIONS of people suffer in needless misery and despair, and yes, even unto death.
Can we just admit the obvious? That people of all categories behave badly? The answer to that is INTERNAL. Stop doing the bad thing. No one else can cause you, no one else can make you. It’s not me, it’s you.
Yes, and this is why I get called a pick me girl. Not because I actually act like a man but because I have masculine coded cognitive inclinations and have integrated both reason and emotion such that one doesn't usually rule the other. My job now has a lot to do with it. The ability to speak directly, compete openly and exercise reason shouldn't be reasons for me to be cast out, and yet I was cast out of a group for my personality and refusal to pretend that a woman wasn't exerting soft control. I usually just suppress my anger about it but I refused to this time. I asked in clear terms for the people at the head of the group to recognize the fact that another woman in the group had acted badly in private with clear evidence and argument for why it was bad behavior. No one believed me and kicked me out instead as the aggressor.
Really appreciated this. I try to stay a bit neutral on this issue. Partly because I’m male, and partly because I see how many different lenses there are for understanding it.
That said, in my couples therapy practice, I’ve occasionally encountered clients with what I’d call a rigid or ideological approach to feminism, distinct from the broader, more thoughtful feminist values many bring into therapy. In those rare cases, it can create a kind of impasse: a total inability to consider personal responsibility for relationship dynamics.
Honestly, it’s right up there with personality disorders and conspiracy thinking in terms of how hard it can make the therapeutic process.
Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I found it encouraging and refreshingly grounded.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback. One of the most common things I see sabotaging dating and relationships is this rigid idea that men writ large are enemies while also wanting a high status one who will be perfect and take care of you. Many male friends have also shared that they feel disrespected by their partners on feminist grounds, which creates the impression that we’re always right. It’s a damn shame because no one tells us we’re wrong.
Totally. One of my back-burner essays is how the concept of patriarchy shows up in the therapy room. Stay tuned. Your friends’ experience is definitely a thing.
I worked as an engineer, Engineering Manager and now as a Pastor of a small church in a rural community. I discovered that women in the workplace often preferred the company of men due to the more factually based work environment than the emotionally charged environment that women created. A woman who was a good leader, treated people fairly and had a good sense of humor and self did well. Women who were in competition for emotional validation were universally disliked by the men and women who had to suffer under them. Logical reasoning and decision making versus emotional reasoning and demanding adherence are truly the endpoints of a spectrum of how workplaces function.
This is absolutely my experience with women outside the technical functions (I'm a solution architect). They don't support meritocracy and can't handle a woman beating them. What sucks is most men don't notice this so good for you for seeing it.
The Second Noble Truth in Buddhism teaches us that suffering is caused by “a yearning for existence.” That is, the desire to change things we can’t change: the past, the future, other people… When you realize the only thing you can change is yourself and how you interact with the world, you have begun your journey down the Middle Path.
Sorry, but men were awful when you worked as a stripper is pretty poor reasoning.
Good luck, it's everywhere now, NYT, books, social media, even common here:
https://open.substack.com/pub/thenonjudgyvegan/p/on-fighting-patriarchy-at-the-gym
Obviously some deep hatred of men, or at least venting, in the media. Patriarchal get casually tossed around, though universities are passing 60%+ female enrollment.
Thank you
This piece is a revelation. Thank you for writing it.
Your advice to men is good, but I don’t think it’s men’s responsibility to teach women how not to inflict emotional harm, any more than it’s women’s responsibility to teach men not to inflict physical harm. I learned how to do all the things you suggest by trial and error - how to be confident, how to challenge emotional thinking, how to stand up to and not allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed and I think it all sort of “worked” in a sense. (And even had one ex who thanked me for guiding her to a place where she could feel her feelings without necessarily believing them.) But ultimately the only way I was going to be in a happy marriage is by partnering without someone without any of these toxic inclinations. Which, by some miracle, actually happened!
Men aren’t going to fix this state of affairs, so I applaud you for speaking these uncomfortable truths to your fellow women.
"I daresay some women might even prefer it if you fought back but may never say that out loud to you." Very good advice, and also a good way to prove that you are actually listening and engaged!
Also a good point - you can’t be berated for not listening if you fight back lol
With respect, I don't think AOC is saying exactly what you say she is. She's saying there's patriarchy, sexism and even hatred, but she's not blaming men, whom she praises throughout the article. Anyway that's my take. Cheers!
The one Conspiracy (Theory?^^) I haven't read about that I came up with is that we're actually living in an evil Matriarchy. I haven't encountered it yet online
(besides only partly described, not in in the Scopes of others, named as *The Plantation" at https://scored.co/c/MGTOW , when I've got to know of MGTOW a few Years its Subreddit was still existen, then I've also read r/radfem as radical Counterview, but not last Year...)
your Words "living in a toxically feminine" World somehow point to it.so I'd like to get to know what lead to this Conclusion/Output and how you define toxic feminiity (toxic Masculinity) and then invent Plans & implement Actions (may also be with more Humans, but the right ones & ethical AI as a Team) on how to permanently cure both in all their Forms and humanifest a utopian Vision of Unity I termed Uniarchy.
Related Thoughts of mine: what if all the existing "easier-to-find" Materials about malignantly conspiratorial Power Structures (worldwide Judaism with Islam in Cohorts, Secret Societies, WEF, the Central Banks etc. for Example) are Deceptions instigated by this hidden Power Structure? I once mentioned it to a Guy who was at my Place and he denied its Existence, but who knows, maybe he was fearing Consequences if he'd affirm it or even just discuss it. Maybe Vanguard, the Black Nobiity, the Mafias etc. etc. all consist of / are owned/led by really evil, possessed Women, I don't know xD. In my Perception of the World Women have it much easier to incite Men against other Men....
which on Course may be a Delusion of mine..
My Guess is this Worldview is just paranoid Thinking caused by too much Exposure to misogynistic Online Content (MGTOW etc.) & female-led (as it appeared) violent traumatic Abuse(s)...
Plus my energetical Consciousness Experiences & Intuition attribute the most evil Energies I've witnessed so far to a toxically male Type of Energy/"Consciousness".
Anyhow, in my Mind, the most Sense-making Explanations for the Existence of Evil to me are: an unintended Research Experiment of an ancient Civilization that made itself autonomous and perverted the Sacred Utopia Humanity was living in or the one that is to be found in this Article; https://www.wakingtimes.com/virus-religion-ancient-war-human-consciousness/ ... , yet I believe newer, more evolved Spirits / Technologies / Entities / Souls / Energies are more able in recognizing Intelligence&Power as truly rooted in universal Love birthing & vitalizing Heartsease (Peace), Healing Happiness & Joy, Bliss, Prosperity & all the other Forms of true Holyness&Wealth for all Beings in all Existences and will transform (heal) stuck-spliced, outmoded, (r)eviltarded Existences of all Forms :-)
You say “men have been less victimised through history”. As a class, that’s true - the current few decades might be the first time in history for systemic hostility towards all men
But there has been plenty of victimisation of particular classes of men in various times & places
Radha, this is one of the most honest and necessary pieces on feminism I’ve read to date.
What passes for feminism today is just narcissistic entitlement in a moral costume. The lack of humility, refusal to be challenged, emotional reasoning masquerading as truth, and the weaponisation of fragility are toxic. You give great advice to men, so needed, and there's something in there for us too. This behaviour can't go on unchallenged and undisrupted...while avoiding the traps that covert narcissistic feminists use to keep drama going.
This is radical - and I'm loving it!
I hadn’t yet discovered you when I wrote this, and I’m now thinking it’s time to pull some of these threads out. Over the past year, I’ve definitely abandoned feminism entirely rather than seeing it as salvageable. My biggest issue is having to explain things 50 ways before people who are resistant might even begin to get it.
All items in this essay are slippery, and yet we have no choice. It's such navel-gazing, and how did we get to a point where a complete, adult, attractive woman, acting naturally, has to say she behaves "male"? Then what does that mean? That some slice, 1/3 of all women are "Male" actshully? Who decides?
In my (male) experience it's not as clever as that. If you get a fight in WalMart, you call the other guy names. If they're short, you call them tiny, if they're overweight, then fat. If they're black, that slur, if white, the other. Here's the point: nobody cares. They just grab the first slur that's handy and whack you with it. It's not about the slur it's about the whacking, it's about POWER. So in your case what comes to mind is they "code" you male because it's something they CAN use. Which may suggest they're at a loss to grab another slur -- what are they going to say? Your use of logic is exposing all my careful, clever, abusive, undermining back-biting power-grabs? No. So they grab "male" or something. In that interpretation, you would be "female" if you were obsequious and compliant. Obey. Now you see why said "coding male" and is it male in the slightest? No. Or it's an essential human trait shared by all. It’s a diversion.
I can support the numbers all can look up, where white liberal women specifically are like three-sigma outliers in mental illness. At this point there's like the rest of the population, and then there's them, rocking in a corner. And mostly only since 2005 has it moved from the edge to another planet. ...When the smartphone and social media began. It seems like I'm making that up, but if this were any other group in any other situation -- cancer rates for example -- we'd shut down society and burn iPhones to save lives. That's also not from my perspective, the pride and elation with with the same group trumpets their mental illness is dumbfounding. You see it in many bios, top above the fold, before their Phds and degrees. This is STATUS. You’re nobody unless you’re mentally unstable, ill, and a victim.
To the point here: so imagine a woman NOT doing that, and in fact telling her friends it's disturbing and mental illness and whatever, depression, cognitive dissonance causing regular anxiety, social isolation, and public outbursts, is NOT a thing to be affirmed. Because it self-evidently, by definition, does not work as well as the alternative. Like the inmates running the asylum, they will lock YOU up, cut YOU out, which is part of what you're saying. But if no one speaks, it increases. Men of course speak on this regularly, but in social terms, in very mild ways because that's all the traction they sense they have, and are dismissed. If relationships, they are summarily divorced, as the stats definitively show (even though marriage is increasingly uncommon, that is to say it's a high bar for relationships now, nevertheless we are approaching 80% of divorces imitated by women -- even lesbian couples. And almost none of these are for what the law would accept as "for cause").
Why? Because TALKING itself IS the attack. It is the affront. NOT confirming bad, abusive behavior -- as you were discussing of fellow women in the workplace -- is the crime. Talking itself is violence. That is why you were cut out, so it's a certainty the same life approach is used throughout their psychology: that is with mothers, grocery clerks...and husbands. This is actually the major obstacle, as bad behavior can just be seen and mitigated and always has been, for all humans over all time. It's when no one can POINT to bad behavior and say it's bad, that we have to accept or even celebrate it, that is becomes feral and intractable. This is possibly what some husbands were doing that got them banned. But that, of course, is why you are risking and burdening yourself with bringing it up. Because they won't listen to men, regardless what they say or do, as easily shown in men's suicide rates, and a dozen other life categories which are all straight down for men. What I hear on line about this is 1) A good start 2) It's not happening and 3) But what about women, does their death and misery serve women's needs adequately? Again, that's not a positive sign although the tide may have turned now. The level of raw human misery this engenders means every DAY it isn't cleared, or is clearly slowly, MILLIONS of people suffer in needless misery and despair, and yes, even unto death.
Can we just admit the obvious? That people of all categories behave badly? The answer to that is INTERNAL. Stop doing the bad thing. No one else can cause you, no one else can make you. It’s not me, it’s you.
Yes, and this is why I get called a pick me girl. Not because I actually act like a man but because I have masculine coded cognitive inclinations and have integrated both reason and emotion such that one doesn't usually rule the other. My job now has a lot to do with it. The ability to speak directly, compete openly and exercise reason shouldn't be reasons for me to be cast out, and yet I was cast out of a group for my personality and refusal to pretend that a woman wasn't exerting soft control. I usually just suppress my anger about it but I refused to this time. I asked in clear terms for the people at the head of the group to recognize the fact that another woman in the group had acted badly in private with clear evidence and argument for why it was bad behavior. No one believed me and kicked me out instead as the aggressor.
"Jonathan Haidt and others also argued that more liberal girls and women are depressed or have a mental illness than conservative women"
You are right. The recent survey I heard is that only 12% of single and childless women were happy with their lives.
Thank you for confronting the cancer that is feminism.
Really appreciated this. I try to stay a bit neutral on this issue. Partly because I’m male, and partly because I see how many different lenses there are for understanding it.
That said, in my couples therapy practice, I’ve occasionally encountered clients with what I’d call a rigid or ideological approach to feminism, distinct from the broader, more thoughtful feminist values many bring into therapy. In those rare cases, it can create a kind of impasse: a total inability to consider personal responsibility for relationship dynamics.
Honestly, it’s right up there with personality disorders and conspiracy thinking in terms of how hard it can make the therapeutic process.
Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I found it encouraging and refreshingly grounded.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback. One of the most common things I see sabotaging dating and relationships is this rigid idea that men writ large are enemies while also wanting a high status one who will be perfect and take care of you. Many male friends have also shared that they feel disrespected by their partners on feminist grounds, which creates the impression that we’re always right. It’s a damn shame because no one tells us we’re wrong.
Totally. One of my back-burner essays is how the concept of patriarchy shows up in the therapy room. Stay tuned. Your friends’ experience is definitely a thing.
This feels like a good place to share an op-ed I just wrote:
https://thequillandmusket.substack.com/p/the-real-war-against-women-feminism?r=4xypjp
I worked as an engineer, Engineering Manager and now as a Pastor of a small church in a rural community. I discovered that women in the workplace often preferred the company of men due to the more factually based work environment than the emotionally charged environment that women created. A woman who was a good leader, treated people fairly and had a good sense of humor and self did well. Women who were in competition for emotional validation were universally disliked by the men and women who had to suffer under them. Logical reasoning and decision making versus emotional reasoning and demanding adherence are truly the endpoints of a spectrum of how workplaces function.
This is absolutely my experience with women outside the technical functions (I'm a solution architect). They don't support meritocracy and can't handle a woman beating them. What sucks is most men don't notice this so good for you for seeing it.